Precious in the sight of the Lord are the death of his servants.

Billie Maxine Paul McKinney
1927 - 2007

     Billie Maxine Paul McKinney, 80, beloved Mother, Grandmother, Great-Grandmother, Sister and friend passed peacefully on June 21, 2007, after a valiant fight against a debilitating auto-immune disorder. Billie, nicknamed Winkie by her sister Betty for her skill playing the game of Tiddlywinks, was born in Memphis, Tennessee January 19, 1927 to Erman F. and Edna M. Paul. She moved to Las Cruces with her family in 1945, where she graduated from Las Cruces Union High School and later married Dan McKinney.
     After raising a family of three sons and one daughter, Billie and Dan divorced and Billie moved on to work as a licensed practical nurse. As a nurse, Billie served the Las Cruces community for 21 years, touching the lives of many. Upon retiring from her work at Memorial General Hospital, Billie enjoyed working at several national parks, traveling through the United States, Canada and Europe, gardening, and spending time with friends and family.
     Billie was preceded in death by her parents, sister Martha Joy Paul and former husband Dan McKinney. Billie is survived by sisters Kathryn Phaup, Betty Maluf Tver, and Nancy Aderhold and her husband Jon, son Jim McKinney and wife Elaine, son Daniel Dale "Bear" McKinney and wife Lucille, son Bill McKinney and wife Helen, daughter Barbara Streander and husband Kim, granddaughter Melissa Roetker and husband Sean, granddaughter Melanie Gonzales and husband David, grandson Dan McKinney, granddaughters Megan and Kate McKinney, granddaughters Lauren and Kristen Streander, great-granddaughters Layne Roetker and Amber Gonzales and great-grandsons Nick and Mathew Gonzales.
     Aunt Winkie leaves behind many nephews and neices. She is also survived by extended family Della McKinney, James and Sheila Richardson, Nita and Larry Cohorn, and Wade and Jodi Richardson and their children. In addition to her family, Billie leaves behind many friends in the US, Canada and Germany.
     Billie will be remembered for her strong spirit and courage that she shared, even in her final days.
     The family thanks the staff at Mesilla Valley Hospice for the caring service they provided. In lieu of flowers, the family requests memorial contributions be made to the Mesilla Valley Hospice, 299 E Montana, Las Cruces, NM 88005, Church Triumphant or a charity of your choice. A memorial service will take place Wednesday, June 27, beginning 10:30 A.M. at Church Triumphant, 2020 North Valley Drive, Las Cruces, NM 88007

I feel nothing
I feel broken and numb
Even the pain is disconnected from my reality
Nothing touches my mind

Sever the tether
I feel like my strings have been cut
Now I’m floating free
Erratic and uncontrollably

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When she died
I was there
I was the only one there
I held her hand
And read to her
Psalms 116
As I read she opened her eyes
Eyes that had been closed
In near comatose sleep for days

She couldn't breathe
She died holding my hand
Hearing my voice

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I have flashbacks
The clicking sound in her throat
The far off
But terrified
Look in her eyes
As she struggled to breathe
Struggled to live

Holding her hand I told her it was okay
It was okay
She could let go
Go home
Go rest
It’s over

I still feel like I have blood on my hands

She wanted to die
Chose to end treatment
Chose to enter hospice
But how can I know if in that instant she relented
Reached out her hand to live
And I simply waved as she fell away from me

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Hour after hour I dream
Every night
Every time I close my eyes

I dream about being there
Feeding her
Massaging the cramps from her legs
Reading the bible to her
Those moments we shared in her last days

I dream about being there when she passed
Holding her hand
About having to decide whether she lives or dies
In my dreams she wants to live
And in my dreams I let her die

I dream about being alone at the funeral
Screaming at the top of my lungs
No one can hear me

I dream about death
Chasing me for hours
For miles
I have to run away from the people I love
Or death will take them too

Listening to the breathing of my family
I wait on edge
A phantasmagoria of death tainting every thought
I hear the clicking sound
Louder and more frightening than some ominous heart beat

I wait
Unable to sleep
Until morning when it is safe


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I wake
Starting from my bed
My eyes open wide
I prepare to bolt from the house
As fast as I am capable

I have to be there
Must be there
She is waiting for me to come
To feed her
To read to her
To be with her

She is…
           …Dead

In that moment I feel it all again
I will wake like this for months
Without her there
I have no reason to wake
It feels like my purpose has been taken from me

I feel hollow
And broken
I cannot escape my mind
Never for long
The world is bittersweet and grey

With time will come the better days

____________________________________

One week
Since she passed
Thursday June 28th
One week and one year
Two mothers
One to either parent
A year for my mother
A week for my father

Precise aligning dates
The cuts are that much deeper
New wounds tracing over old scars

Death is not difficult for the dead
It is for the living
Left behind
Who feel a hole being cut in their existence
Part of them being torn away

I am one of the hollow men
What you see is a shell

You won’t find me for looking
I am gone from you
When or if I’ll return remains unseen

Take pleasure
In not having known this pain