If you are looking for my Cyberfeminism blog...

You've come to the wrong place but feel free to look around anyway!
My Cyberfeminsim blog is actually over at http://arachnetwopointoh.blogspot.com
Sorry for the confusion.
Have a totally awesome day!

Monday, February 08, 2010

Summer isn't soon enough

I'm a month into school and I can't bring myself to do my homework. I can't bring myself to do anything other than pray that when I fall asleep I'll wake up and it will be summer. I'll wake up in a strange bed in a strange city and you'll be across from me, asleep with your glasses on like you always were.

Part of me is begging for summer to come because I'm clinging to a hope that doesn't exist. I'm going to appear in front of you and I'm going to need you to love me. I'm going to need you in a way that is frightening and desperate and part of me worries that you're going to run the other way and part of me knows I'll never say a word.

I wish I had the balls to chase you down and kiss you. I want to hold you and fall asleep next to you and know that I have a home again and it is wherever you are because part of me is going to stay with you for a long time. I don't know that I'll ever let go of who you were to me because it saved my life.

And now I have to save myself and I wish you were at least here to stroke my cheek and run your fingers through my hair and sigh softly against my neck because I'm terrified to find out that I can trust myself and rely on myself without someone's fingers intertwined with mine. If I succeed in this then I have surpassed them. I am suddenly in a world they never reached. I have to start writing my own script. I'm suddenly going to have to start making this up and I'm afraid someone will catch me in a lie. I'm afraid someone is going to realize I don't know what I'm doing.

Do you ever stop feeling like you're just faking it?
Because that's what I'm beginning to believe.
I just wish I could take your hand.
I wish you'd make it up with me.