Overactive Imagination

I could explain to you exactly what I’m doing, but that would be boring so instead I’m going to lie and say that I’ve become a fabulous secret agent, and have not been lazy but rather executing high stakes operations.

So far I’ve busted a sticky-toffee pudding smuggling unit out of Botswana; a terrorist organization dedicated to undoing the world by having really, really white people try (and fail at) dancing to hip-hop; and an evil mastermind who has been slowly building support for his world takeover by bribing the people of the world with “preferred customer” cards at supermarkets when really it just makes the prices normal rather than extravagant.

My last mission I posed as a ceiling tile in order to collect evidence on a terrorist cell of secretaries dedicated to putting the world into a mass coma by replacing all regular coffee with decaf. But not before I was captured by the enemy and tortured in an effort to get me to tell them about the agency I work for, and their whereabouts. I endured countless hours of off key singing and was forced to watch tapes of the Eagles/Cowboys playoff game. Still, I remained strong.

I managed to escape from prison with a cunning plan involving a paper clip, a banana, a zebra, two mimes, a blimp, the entire collection of Blackadder, a copy of Great Expectations and my trusty albuterol inhaler. But I won't bore you with the details.

After managing to convince the giant moth to fly me to America I returned to ************** (location must not be named for security purposes) and had a bagel; then I met with my superiors and looked over our newest weapon. It was absolutely brilliant, the best yet I’ve no doubt, regular wheat bagel with some high quality butter and strawberry cream cheese, it really hit the spot, especially with that smoothie... the weapon was fine too.

Why haven’t you known about this you ask? I’ve cleverly disguised my secret goings about as sleep and anti-social tendencies. I am sharing this information with you now so that if you don’t see me for a while, you’ll know why.

But more about my intensely interesting life later, right now I have to return to my undercover work as a student infiltrator.

So far I’ve managed to learn that language experts are trying to create mass hysteria by making the rules for colon use even more confusing. So far, no one seems to care.