The Powdered House

Littleone has been hiding a secret from the world. One secret for each scar she bears. This secret she bears on the inside; it is her hiding place. She has built a safe house entirely from white powder. Rent is expensive but she is willing to pay if it means she can hide. She has lived in this powdered house for months, only peeks her head out to check the weather conditions of her life in reality. What she doesn’t see is the cracks in the foundations. This house could crumble and crush her. But she feels that then she would die happy.

She shows me this hiding place, only a picture, a corner, a whisper that it exists, and I ask her to trust me. I make promises to bring her out of this house, if only for one day. I invite her into my world, she doesn’t come. I open the door for her, she is welcome whenever she likes. I promise her that she is protected by the fiercest love, safe from harm. She nods and promises never to visit the powdered house again, promises to stay away. I am wary as she will crave that solace, her body will turn on itself to feel that safety, that happiness. I ask myself to trust her.

There is only one person I might turn to with a problem like this. Madame Butterfly has served as the wings to support the others that have come before Littleone, living in their own worlds. She has served as my wings. I trust Madame Butterfly.

I confess to Madame Butterfly about everything, the powdered house, the danger for Littleone, how broken and bruised Littleone is. Madame Butterfly sighs with sorrow that any should have to bear these weights, especially one as amazing as Littleone. We make a pact to save Littleone from her crumbling powdered house.

Littleone is panicked, frantic and afraid of the reality that is crushing her. I promise secrecy and safety, I hide her inside myself.

I lie, I hate that I lie but I have no choice. I cannot carry this weight on my back alone, and she lost emotional mobility months ago, numbed herself into a stupor to keep from letting the razor blade rotate ninety degrees. Down the street, not across the road: directions to the final kingdom. I look her in the eye and I lie. I ask her to wait.

Madame Butterfly is doing what she does best. She mingles and gratefully accepts compliments and criticisms. I approach her from behind setting my hand on her shoulder. She turns never breaking eye contact. I whisper to her, my lips close enough to her ear that I can feel her warmth. I whisper that Littleone is beginning to buckle; she can’t bear it any more. Madame Butterfly follows. This is when we find Littleone outside.

It is pouring rain, and the Littleone is perched on a concrete picnic table crying. These are not crocodile tears with heaving sobs but rather shaking rattling drops of fear, shame, pain, memory: barely noticeable with the swollen clouds weeping down on the world. She hugs her knees as if trying to disappear into a singularity. I cannot bring myself to touch her, comfort her: it is not my right. I have broken her confidence.

Madame Butterfly alights next to Littleone; they are the same size. The water is pelting now. The sky is sobbing. Littleone can only shake; her breath rattling her body. Madame Butterfly wraps her arms around Littleone providing comfort and love. Littleone has never known the love of a mother, only the harsh criticism. The harsh words that have eaten away at Littleone’s soul have no place with Madame Butterfly.

I try to justify what I have done. I try to explain what it is I intended. My words fall away like the water rolling down our faces. I hang my head as Littleone begins to sob. A voice like quiet thunder speaks.

Madame Butterfly is holding Littleone, speaking words of tenderness and caring. She is gentle like the breeze when a butterfly beats its wings. She breathes life into Littleone, shows her life on solid ground without pain. Littleone is confused and scared, waiting for the blow to undercut words of kindness. Madame Butterfly holds fast as Littleone rails against this love; when Littleone is exhausted she rests and Madame Butterfly is still holding fast. Littleone shows a flash of understanding, a flicker of hope in the back of her mind where part of her has hidden scared and crying for years.

Madame Butterfly speaks softly asking Littleone not to give up. She asks Littleone to hold fast to what is left of life. She asks Littleone to keep breathing. Then Madame Butterfly does something I have never seen, she cries. Her voice breaks almost imperceptibly. With the rain washing us the tears are almost invisible. But they are all there. Madame Butterfly opens the door she keeps locked tight, just enough for Littleone to catch a glimpse of the beauty life can hold. For a moment, Littleone hides safely. For a moment, all that has been done is undone. For a moment, Littleone realizes what it is to live.

Littleone clings to that moment. It is her safe house now.

Patron Saint of Innocence

For Melissa

How is it you’re so strong when you’re his only hope??

It follows, that neither of us could understand why it happens. If I raise my hand high enough, I should be able to touch the sky, and catch a star for this crying child in my arms.

Why he got burned I don't know; she would have sold her soul for those hands to have been hers. Her baby's crying in her arms, scared and unsure why it hurts so bad.

The strength of a mother figure, this is her without boundaries, this is her when she knows the world is betting against him, and she's his only hope. This is her when her baby has no where else to turn.

How must it feel to know that your joy in life is limited so?

That he will never feel so many of life's greatest pleasures, he will never fall in love, and he will never hold his own children.

Here is happiness in a boy, patron saint of Goldfish snack crackers and Disney DVDs, 5 years old and still learning to walk, talk, move. Not like me and you.

And yet, more beautiful, because he loves people the only way he knows how. He can't judge you or me; he can't second guess us for failing.

This beautiful tragic baby in her arms. Angelic in his sleep, he can't hear her tears as they run down her cheeks.

Give them both hope, Take mine and give it to them, as I find my hope in him.

"Thoughts that do often lie too deep for tears."

"Thoughts that do often lie too deep for tears."

There are some gratitudes
That no words are expansive enough to contain
No notes with which to express in melody
No color or line with which to envision it
And such is that gratitude
That I would offer you
Thank you

For holding my hand
When I was scared to fall
For believing in me
When I could not find strength
To believe in myself
For teaching me
I am what I make myself
That strength is not always visible
That it is in the silence that meaning often lies

You taught me to craft my own wings
With which to fly above
The level plane of tradition
And expectation
You took my hand
And lead me to the ledge
You became the breath of Zephyr
That would carry me in the direction of my dreams

You taught me the meaning
Behind wordless looks and quiet smiles
To understand human need
And that solace
Is in the laughter of a child

There is a sharp divide between
You as most people see
Self-contained
Seemingly attached to no one and nothing
And you as you rarely let others see
Connected
Understanding and loving

It is a paradox beyond words
To see the passion and strength
You quietly cradle in your heart
Concealed by the lullaby siren-song
You sing to keep those from coming too close
There is always distance

When I look in your eyes
I never see hopelessness
But there is never outpouring hope
It seems to be something you
Try not to consider too often

And though I try
I cannot capture
What I perceive in you
Anymore than I can describe
A face
By looking at a shadow

Yet there have been whispers
Teaching me to understand
Tomorrow is not today
It is tomorrow
Yesterday has passed
It cannot be changed
Today is all we have

I will never fully understand
The gift you gave me
This is a fight no one should face alone
Purpose
You handed me meaning
And I have nothing to give you
But my promise

I will fight for them
“[The] huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse”
My Promise
I will be in the trenches with you

But that’s tomorrow
Today all I can give are my words
Thank You
Beyond what words can say
Thank You

When I Grow Up...

When I was very young (four or five) I wanted to grow up and get married; except I wanted to be the man and I wanted to marry a beautiful woman. I grew up expecting to have several children with my wife, live in your average suburb, and be the model of the American family. Because I attended a Christian preschool I was quickly corrected and informed that I couldn’t marry a woman and it was my job to stay home and be the mommy. I spent the next eleven years of my life fighting with myself over what would become of me socially and emotionally. I eventually learned that love is love, regardless. As for my suburban life I realized that there are more options than just Middle America. I have no set goals for my personal life, only to be happy in the end. When considering careers I knew with conviction what I wanted to do with my life when I was quite young. Of course I changed my mind but adopted each new career choice with the same fervor and conviction.

“I’m always sick, and I have to see my doctor all the time so I want to be a doctor. I want kids to have a doctor who knows what it’s like to be sick and not be able to play or have fun.” I succinctly explained to my 2nd grade class. How typical that I wanted to be a pediatrician when I was a little one. I decided early on that I would grow up to treat kids who were like me because I was so frequently sick I wanted the kids to have someone with whom they could identify. During preschool I habitually played doctor and had a habit of diagnosing my patients as having suffered severe head trauma; I blame “General Hospital.” I held on to the idea of becoming a doctor for at least six years.

Another phase of career option I went through was engineering. As my motto proclaims: it sounded like a good idea at the time. I joined the Math Engineering and Science Achievement team at my middle school and began actively participating in math and science classes. I had no real concept of what engineers did, or what the various branches focused on, but I was hell bent on having a high paying engineering job. Eventually I realized I didn’t like math or science and thus engineering might be a poor choice of career.

After my brief affair with engineering I never settled on anything. In high school I began to realize that I have no idea what I want from life. It was only by accident that I discovered what drives me. Without realizing it I have spent a majority of my time creating, over the course of 6 years I have amassed easily over 300 pieces. Throughout my entire life one thing has sustained me: writing.

When I was in fifth grade I had a teacher that changed my life forever. Having dyslexia often meant my writing was, excuse the pun, written off as low quality. My self-esteem suffered severe blows from verbal and psychological abuse at the hands of my first and second grade teacher; I held the firm belief that I would never amount to much. In fifth grade I had the luck to be taught by Kathy Porter: a woman of kindness, compassion, and encouragement. She was the first person to validate me as a human being and recognize my abilities, specifically in the field of writing. We were assigned weekly stories and other various assignments. I gladly took to the task of creative writing allowing myself to start getting a feel for who I was creatively. Student teachers, substitute teachers, aides and Mrs. Porter herself were continually impressed with my writing and encouraged me to pursue it with passion. It was then that without realizing it, a large part of my future was decided.

Today I am slowly beginning to realize that the world is far larger than what I have seen or known. I have passion but have not chosen a direction in which to focus it. I continue to write. I continue to exercise compassion. I continue to search for my purpose. As for what will happen in the future, “I neither know nor think that I know.”