I suck at college and still want to move to Siberia. I have a Political Research Skills test in less than 12 hours and am grossly unprepared and procrastinating like a fiend!
...More details at ten.
Also, did you see the Oscar acceptance speeches by Dustin Lance Black and Sean Penn?
If you haven't you fail at life.
Final note: Rachel didn't host her show tonight which is slightly devastating but one less distraction from not studying.
As a huge homo I grew up really feeling the pressure to fit within the norm of heterosexuality and the nuclear family model. I was raised by a relatively stay-at-home mom and a bread-winner dad in a semi-suburban neighborhood with good schools and a park. I participated in ballet for God's sake.
When I was 4 or 5 I talked about wanting to grow up to be a man so I could marry a beautiful woman and be a prince charming type character. Keep in mind during this time I was in a Methodist Preschool progam and my misguided gender dysphoric leanings were not welcomed with open arms. I was promptly shut down and thus spent the next 12 years of my life struggling to be heterosexual without knowing why I was having such a hard time. During those 12 years I battled depression and anxiety along with general social awkwardity.
After nearly going to the mat with a substitute teacher over John Kerry's mention of Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter during a debate it dawned on me that maybe I was *gasp* gay!
From that point on my life has been an awkward attempt to catch up with my heterosexual peers. After all, they started exploring their sexualities and relationship dynamics when they were perhaps 13 or 14 and here I was making a u-turn at 17. I immediately threw myself into researching the history of the gay community and ways to connect with other queers as my whole identity was in tumult and I was desperate to find a model to base myself on while I rebuilt my formerly norm-conforming life plans and ideals.
It was during this time that I learned about eHarmony.com, the dating website juggernaut. I was fascinated by the idea of a dating website working so well at connecting people. When I discovered that they did not accept gay members I was sort of baffled by the exclusion.
I have been following the multiple lawsuits filed against eHarmony in California and New Jersey on the grounds of discrimination seeking to force eHarmony to provide the same services to the gay community. As part of the settlement in the New Jersey lawsuit eHarmony has agreed to set up a matching website for gays called "Compatible Partners" to launch sometime in 2009.
It's not much but I view it as one of those chances to say "Ha ha! We win at life!" in the most juvenile way possible.
Go Team, Go!
Billie Maxine Paul McKinney
1927 - 2007
Billie Maxine Paul McKinney, 80, beloved Mother, Grandmother, Great-Grandmother, Sister and friend passed peacefully on June 21, 2007, after a valiant fight against a debilitating auto-immune disorder. Billie, nicknamed Winkie by her sister Betty for her skill playing the game of Tiddlywinks, was born in Memphis, Tennessee January 19, 1927 to Erman F. and Edna M. Paul. She moved to Las Cruces with her family in 1945, where she graduated from Las Cruces Union High School and later married Dan McKinney.
After raising a family of three sons and one daughter, Billie and Dan divorced and Billie moved on to work as a licensed practical nurse. As a nurse, Billie served the Las Cruces community for 21 years, touching the lives of many. Upon retiring from her work at Memorial General Hospital, Billie enjoyed working at several national parks, traveling through the United States, Canada and Europe, gardening, and spending time with friends and family.
Billie was preceded in death by her parents, sister Martha Joy Paul and former husband Dan McKinney. Billie is survived by sisters Kathryn Phaup, Betty Maluf Tver, and Nancy Aderhold and her husband Jon, son Jim McKinney and wife Elaine, son Daniel Dale "Bear" McKinney and wife Lucille, son Bill McKinney and wife Helen, daughter Barbara Streander and husband Kim, granddaughter Melissa Roetker and husband Sean, granddaughter Melanie Gonzales and husband David, grandson Dan McKinney, granddaughters Megan and Kate McKinney, granddaughters Lauren and Kristen Streander, great-granddaughters Layne Roetker and Amber Gonzales and great-grandsons Nick and Mathew Gonzales.
Aunt Winkie leaves behind many nephews and neices. She is also survived by extended family Della McKinney, James and Sheila Richardson, Nita and Larry Cohorn, and Wade and Jodi Richardson and their children. In addition to her family, Billie leaves behind many friends in the US, Canada and Germany.
Billie will be remembered for her strong spirit and courage that she shared, even in her final days.
The family thanks the staff at Mesilla Valley Hospice for the caring service they provided. In lieu of flowers, the family requests memorial contributions be made to the Mesilla Valley Hospice, 299 E Montana, Las Cruces, NM 88005, Church Triumphant or a charity of your choice. A memorial service will take place Wednesday, June 27, beginning 10:30 A.M. at Church Triumphant, 2020 North Valley Drive, Las Cruces, NM 88007
I feel nothing
I feel broken and numb
Even the pain is disconnected from my reality
Nothing touches my mind
Sever the tether
I feel like my strings have been cut
Now I’m floating free
Erratic and uncontrollably
____________________________________
When she died
I was there
I was the only one there
I held her hand
And read to her
Psalms 116
As I read she opened her eyes
Eyes that had been closed
In near comatose sleep for days
She couldn't breathe
She died holding my hand
Hearing my voice
____________________________________
I have flashbacks
The clicking sound in her throat
The far off
But terrified
Look in her eyes
As she struggled to breathe
Struggled to live
Holding her hand I told her it was okay
It was okay
She could let go
Go home
Go rest
It’s over
I still feel like I have blood on my hands
She wanted to die
Chose to end treatment
Chose to enter hospice
But how can I know if in that instant she relented
Reached out her hand to live
And I simply waved as she fell away from me
____________________________________
Hour after hour I dream
Every night
Every time I close my eyes
I dream about being there
Feeding her
Massaging the cramps from her legs
Reading the bible to her
Those moments we shared in her last days
I dream about being there when she passed
Holding her hand
About having to decide whether she lives or dies
In my dreams she wants to live
And in my dreams I let her die
I dream about being alone at the funeral
Screaming at the top of my lungs
No one can hear me
I dream about death
Chasing me for hours
For miles
I have to run away from the people I love
Or death will take them too
Listening to the breathing of my family
I wait on edge
A phantasmagoria of death tainting every thought
I hear the clicking sound
Louder and more frightening than some ominous heart beat
I wait
Unable to sleep
Until morning when it is safe
____________________________________
I wake
Starting from my bed
My eyes open wide
I prepare to bolt from the house
As fast as I am capable
I have to be there
Must be there
She is waiting for me to come
To feed her
To read to her
To be with her
She is…
…Dead
In that moment I feel it all again
I will wake like this for months
Without her there
I have no reason to wake
It feels like my purpose has been taken from me
I feel hollow
And broken
I cannot escape my mind
Never for long
The world is bittersweet and grey
With time will come the better days
____________________________________
One week
Since she passed
Thursday June 28th
One week and one year
Two mothers
One to either parent
A year for my mother
A week for my father
Precise aligning dates
The cuts are that much deeper
New wounds tracing over old scars
Death is not difficult for the dead
It is for the living
Left behind
Who feel a hole being cut in their existence
Part of them being torn away
I am one of the hollow men
What you see is a shell
You won’t find me for looking
I am gone from you
When or if I’ll return remains unseen
Take pleasure
In not having known this pain
I'm not ready for her to leave this world, not ready to say goodbye, not ready to not be someone's grandchild. She is the last of her generation of parents. She has fought long and hard and done her best. I know this is her decision, but it's too soon. It will always be too soon.
When white light passes through a prism it is broken into an array of colors. When grief is filtered through an individual's perception of death, grief is broken into an array of emotions too many to name.
You can't know what this is like for me, no one can. Death is filtered through personal experiences, we all grieve in our own ways. Hold me and let me sob, need to feel safe. If only for this moment, I need to feel this pain.
Dear Winkleberry,
Some grandparents are part of a child’s life only fleetingly, there to buy presents and spoil them, or there only on special occasions and then gone with little or no communication, some are not present at all. You have been an integral part of every stage of my life, helping to raise me, to care for me, to comfort me and to teach me. You took care of my sister and me.
When our parents would leave town, you would play games with me when I was lonely; you undertook projects to make headbands and play the organ, and bake cookies at Christmas. You were willing to get dirty, to help pick “pomatoes” in the garden, to sit on the floor and play with us. You made sure we knew you love us and are proud of us.
Once you played baseball in your back yard on Calle de Rosa with an Oar and a tennis ball, another time you invited me over to look at slides and you made me a Peanut butter and Jelly sandwich. I felt like the most special person in the world because you took the time to spend time with me. I treasure all the memories of you I have.
I’ve known you for 19 years, you’ve been there to shape who I am in every way. It was from you I learned to go after what you want and not to give up until you get it, it was from you I learned to be strong, and it was from you I learned that just because I’m a girl doesn’t mean I’m any less capable. Thank you for everything you have taught me.
I love you very, very much. I want you to know that I will always love you. I understand that what you’re going through right now is exhausting, painful, and scary. I want you to know that even if I don’t agree with the decisions you make, I will respect them because I respect you. I understand that if you are tired you have every right to rest.
I don’t know what’s going to happen when you are gone, no one does. But I do know that I want you to know how much you will always mean to me, and that I love you very, very much. I’m proud of you for fighting as hard as you have in everything you’ve done, you’re amazing.
Thank you, for everything. Thank you Grandma Wink.
Love you.
Kate
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