Patron Saint of Innocence

For Melissa

How is it you’re so strong when you’re his only hope??

It follows, that neither of us could understand why it happens. If I raise my hand high enough, I should be able to touch the sky, and catch a star for this crying child in my arms.

Why he got burned I don't know; she would have sold her soul for those hands to have been hers. Her baby's crying in her arms, scared and unsure why it hurts so bad.

The strength of a mother figure, this is her without boundaries, this is her when she knows the world is betting against him, and she's his only hope. This is her when her baby has no where else to turn.

How must it feel to know that your joy in life is limited so?

That he will never feel so many of life's greatest pleasures, he will never fall in love, and he will never hold his own children.

Here is happiness in a boy, patron saint of Goldfish snack crackers and Disney DVDs, 5 years old and still learning to walk, talk, move. Not like me and you.

And yet, more beautiful, because he loves people the only way he knows how. He can't judge you or me; he can't second guess us for failing.

This beautiful tragic baby in her arms. Angelic in his sleep, he can't hear her tears as they run down her cheeks.

Give them both hope, Take mine and give it to them, as I find my hope in him.

"Thoughts that do often lie too deep for tears."

"Thoughts that do often lie too deep for tears."

There are some gratitudes
That no words are expansive enough to contain
No notes with which to express in melody
No color or line with which to envision it
And such is that gratitude
That I would offer you
Thank you

For holding my hand
When I was scared to fall
For believing in me
When I could not find strength
To believe in myself
For teaching me
I am what I make myself
That strength is not always visible
That it is in the silence that meaning often lies

You taught me to craft my own wings
With which to fly above
The level plane of tradition
And expectation
You took my hand
And lead me to the ledge
You became the breath of Zephyr
That would carry me in the direction of my dreams

You taught me the meaning
Behind wordless looks and quiet smiles
To understand human need
And that solace
Is in the laughter of a child

There is a sharp divide between
You as most people see
Self-contained
Seemingly attached to no one and nothing
And you as you rarely let others see
Connected
Understanding and loving

It is a paradox beyond words
To see the passion and strength
You quietly cradle in your heart
Concealed by the lullaby siren-song
You sing to keep those from coming too close
There is always distance

When I look in your eyes
I never see hopelessness
But there is never outpouring hope
It seems to be something you
Try not to consider too often

And though I try
I cannot capture
What I perceive in you
Anymore than I can describe
A face
By looking at a shadow

Yet there have been whispers
Teaching me to understand
Tomorrow is not today
It is tomorrow
Yesterday has passed
It cannot be changed
Today is all we have

I will never fully understand
The gift you gave me
This is a fight no one should face alone
Purpose
You handed me meaning
And I have nothing to give you
But my promise

I will fight for them
“[The] huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse”
My Promise
I will be in the trenches with you

But that’s tomorrow
Today all I can give are my words
Thank You
Beyond what words can say
Thank You

When I Grow Up...

When I was very young (four or five) I wanted to grow up and get married; except I wanted to be the man and I wanted to marry a beautiful woman. I grew up expecting to have several children with my wife, live in your average suburb, and be the model of the American family. Because I attended a Christian preschool I was quickly corrected and informed that I couldn’t marry a woman and it was my job to stay home and be the mommy. I spent the next eleven years of my life fighting with myself over what would become of me socially and emotionally. I eventually learned that love is love, regardless. As for my suburban life I realized that there are more options than just Middle America. I have no set goals for my personal life, only to be happy in the end. When considering careers I knew with conviction what I wanted to do with my life when I was quite young. Of course I changed my mind but adopted each new career choice with the same fervor and conviction.

“I’m always sick, and I have to see my doctor all the time so I want to be a doctor. I want kids to have a doctor who knows what it’s like to be sick and not be able to play or have fun.” I succinctly explained to my 2nd grade class. How typical that I wanted to be a pediatrician when I was a little one. I decided early on that I would grow up to treat kids who were like me because I was so frequently sick I wanted the kids to have someone with whom they could identify. During preschool I habitually played doctor and had a habit of diagnosing my patients as having suffered severe head trauma; I blame “General Hospital.” I held on to the idea of becoming a doctor for at least six years.

Another phase of career option I went through was engineering. As my motto proclaims: it sounded like a good idea at the time. I joined the Math Engineering and Science Achievement team at my middle school and began actively participating in math and science classes. I had no real concept of what engineers did, or what the various branches focused on, but I was hell bent on having a high paying engineering job. Eventually I realized I didn’t like math or science and thus engineering might be a poor choice of career.

After my brief affair with engineering I never settled on anything. In high school I began to realize that I have no idea what I want from life. It was only by accident that I discovered what drives me. Without realizing it I have spent a majority of my time creating, over the course of 6 years I have amassed easily over 300 pieces. Throughout my entire life one thing has sustained me: writing.

When I was in fifth grade I had a teacher that changed my life forever. Having dyslexia often meant my writing was, excuse the pun, written off as low quality. My self-esteem suffered severe blows from verbal and psychological abuse at the hands of my first and second grade teacher; I held the firm belief that I would never amount to much. In fifth grade I had the luck to be taught by Kathy Porter: a woman of kindness, compassion, and encouragement. She was the first person to validate me as a human being and recognize my abilities, specifically in the field of writing. We were assigned weekly stories and other various assignments. I gladly took to the task of creative writing allowing myself to start getting a feel for who I was creatively. Student teachers, substitute teachers, aides and Mrs. Porter herself were continually impressed with my writing and encouraged me to pursue it with passion. It was then that without realizing it, a large part of my future was decided.

Today I am slowly beginning to realize that the world is far larger than what I have seen or known. I have passion but have not chosen a direction in which to focus it. I continue to write. I continue to exercise compassion. I continue to search for my purpose. As for what will happen in the future, “I neither know nor think that I know.”

Buyer Beware

This is a guide to a few of our favorite pick-me-up study buddies: Energy Drinks!

Redline-

Sold in gas stations and health food stores across America this tiny blue bottle looks relatively harmless, at first glance I wrote it off as low power but it would do in a time of desperate caffeine need. Within 30 minutes of finishing the bottle I was shaking and sweating and my heart was racing like a speed addict. There are warnings on the bottle in tiny print warning that consumption should take over two hours and reactions were frequent. Of course I didn’t notice these warnings until I had already slammed the bottle. I remained in this state of hypo manic for 36 hours before I finally relaxed enough to sleep. Even then I still felt the effects such as shaky hands, chills, and difficulty sleeping for another 3 days.

Seeing how frequent these reactions are I would warn anyone who is thinking about trying Redline reserve it for times of desperation and use very little. It is sincerely a dangerous product causing deaths due to heart palpitations and heart attacks in many users. It is only for the truly fearless and hardcore caffeine addicts. As far as I’m concerned, there are much better less deeply affecting products out there.

Sobe Adrenaline Rush-

A common friend to the average college night owl, this variation of liquid energy makes up for what it lacks in caffeine with massive amounts of High Fructose Corn Syrup. I’ve tried using it when pulling all nighters but found that it only works if you are willing to drink it almost constantly. I do have to say that it tastes the best out of the world of energy drinks but as for effectiveness it lacks a serious punch.

Go with Sobe if you’re only looking for a minor pick me up or energy with flavor. If you’re looking for a serious ally you’ll want to skip this one.

Red Bull -

The notorious wing-giving energy concoction can be summed up in two words: caffeinated Smarties. We all remember Halloween and those horrible chalky little rolls of Smarties. At first taste I was convinced they had liquefied Smarties and added caffeine. Although it has a slight kick the tiny cans, exorbitant price, and weird taste are a definite turn off.

If you’re looking for something strangely sweet-ish with a kick and you have money to burn, go for it.

Coke Blāk-

Lesser known and soon to be discontinued this variation of traditional Coca-Cola and super strength coffee packs a punch with a new twist on flavor. The taste is a mix between the bitterness of black coffee with the sugary sweet of Coca-Cola making for a taste bud wake up call. The amount of caffeine is virtually perfect for a late night, not enough that you have serious side effects, but not so little that you have to have a constant stream.

The price is reasonable. The taste is strange but still good. The caffeine factor is dead on. If you’re planning a late night for finals, or any reason, stock up because word has it that Coca-Cola is planning to pull the plug on this one.