Summer isn't soon enough

I'm a month into school and I can't bring myself to do my homework. I can't bring myself to do anything other than pray that when I fall asleep I'll wake up and it will be summer. I'll wake up in a strange bed in a strange city and you'll be across from me, asleep with your glasses on like you always were.

Part of me is begging for summer to come because I'm clinging to a hope that doesn't exist. I'm going to appear in front of you and I'm going to need you to love me. I'm going to need you in a way that is frightening and desperate and part of me worries that you're going to run the other way and part of me knows I'll never say a word.

I wish I had the balls to chase you down and kiss you. I want to hold you and fall asleep next to you and know that I have a home again and it is wherever you are because part of me is going to stay with you for a long time. I don't know that I'll ever let go of who you were to me because it saved my life.

And now I have to save myself and I wish you were at least here to stroke my cheek and run your fingers through my hair and sigh softly against my neck because I'm terrified to find out that I can trust myself and rely on myself without someone's fingers intertwined with mine. If I succeed in this then I have surpassed them. I am suddenly in a world they never reached. I have to start writing my own script. I'm suddenly going to have to start making this up and I'm afraid someone will catch me in a lie. I'm afraid someone is going to realize I don't know what I'm doing.

Do you ever stop feeling like you're just faking it?
Because that's what I'm beginning to believe.
I just wish I could take your hand.
I wish you'd make it up with me.

I still miss her...

Today I was going through my photos and found my collection of pictures from the campaign.

In looking back not only are the final three weeks of the campaign a complete blur but in retrospect I know we worked so hard that we shot past all expectations. It was mind blowing.

I couldn't tell you what happened on any given day but I still smile when I remember the way she looked when she was exhausted and the way she insisted on sleeping with her glasses on. I laugh when I remember her enthusiasm and joy at every little thing. She was like a small child in her wonder. She is still amazing. It still hurts a little to remember saying goodbye.

I can't bring myself to tell the people who want to keep pushing and working to make for political change that I was never in this for them. I was never in this because it was my cause. I was never in the fight because I believed Obama mattered that much. I was always in it because I was hopelessly, painfully in love with her.

I gave up so much of myself because I loved her and believed in her. I still love her and believe in her but she's gone. She exists somewhere only in my memory and some far away place. She's off saving the world. A world of which I am not a part.

I know that everything I felt was unrequited and I'm childish for holding onto these memories and emotions but every once in a while I just miss her. I miss the way she believed in me with such unwavering conviction that she stood up for me against my superior and her subordinate.

I miss what she was to me not what she was in reality. I haven't seen or heard from her in months. I wish her all the happiness in the world. She deserves all that and so much more for making me believe in so many things.

if i lose my lottery because i fucked up my WS class...

then i give myself full license to have a crisis.

This will be the first semester i haven't wanted or tried to kill myself since i left high school.

I would like to hang on to that shred of pride.
I'm okay for now.





Miss Allison, I still miss you like crazy...

Did i get drunk and watch "Rocky and Bullwinkle" cartoons until the sun came up?

Yes, yes I did.

and you know what? It was fucking awesome.